Bullying is a “hot topic” these days, though not everything falls under that category. There’s a more common way that we can experience maltreatment, called relational aggression. There are two types of relational aggression: Reactive, which is behavior in response to provocation with the intent to retaliate, so someone who was teased repeatedly may become a teaser to protect himself. And proactive, when behaviors are means for achieving a goal—nonphysical aggression/behavior that is intended to hurt someone by harming their relationships with others. Most motivation for aggressors is about:
- Fear
- Power
- Control
- Popularity
- Security
Relational aggression is much more covert and subtle than bullying and is intended to lower someone’s social standing. Because It is more difficult to spot, those who are aggressors may be particularly adept at manipulating and spinning the situation into a misunderstanding. While it can occur as early as preschool age and can certainly continue into adult workplaces or social circles, relational aggression peaks in pre- and early adolescence since so much value is placed on friendships and social connections in those years. I’ll focus on this stage in this piece.
What are some ways people may engage in relational aggression?
Some methods include:
- Exclusion (not allowing someone to join a group, refusing to share friends, refusing to work with a classmate or sit next to someone in the cafeteria)
- Ignoring or giving someone the silent treatment
- Malicious gossip and spreading rumors
- Manipulative affection (forcing a friend to pick sides)
- Taunts and insults which can include eye rolling/laughing at someone/sarcasm
- Intimidation
- Cyberbullying
What is the impact of relational aggression, particularly in adolescents?
There’s a difference between being rude and intentionally manipulating someone’s social status. It’s hurtful, it damages one’s self-concept, and interferes with academic and physical development since it works against the normal development of establishing and maintaining healthy relationships that adolescents are working towards. Research shows that students who have been the targets of relational aggression have increased loneliness and sadness that leads to depression and anxiety, more anger, and lower GPAs. And those who tend to be relationally aggressive have also been shown to become increasingly more depressed, rejected, and withdrawn.
It is also important to note that It can be tricky to get a student to even acknowledge that their friend is bullying them. Some adolescents have a sense of loyalty to long-term friends and because they are afraid to lose a friend they choose to ignore aggressive behavior in order to preserve the friendship or the friendship group.
They may also think of bullies just as the stereotypical big dude who takes your lunch money or threatens to beat you up if you don’t let him copy your homework, so their concrete thinking precludes them from seeing what’s really happening. Also, if a kiddo already struggles with low self-esteem, they are unlikely to want to rock the boat so they remain silent.
While each student has the ability to make their own friendship choices, it’s important to educate our kiddos that their decision to stay in an abusive friendship causes emotional distress and distractions during school.
What should we tell our kids to do if they are a target?
We want to equip kids with a positive solution to empower themselves and avoid the aggression should they find they’ve become a target. It’s helpful to brainstorm with them individually, but some examples from kids that I’ve worked with include telling an adult, ignoring the aggressor, walking away, laughing it off/not showing you’re hurt, telling a friend, and coming up with a specific and realistic plan should it happen again.
Our conversations also need to include what to do if you’re a bystander — not the aggressor or the target, but somewhere in between. Research tells us that bystanders experience many of the same emotions and somatic responses as the target and that if the bystander chooses to get involved in some way to support that target, they can play a critical role in shifting power from the aggressor. Their solutions can include public or private support of the target, so it is beneficial to overview options with your kiddos.
Public support includes changing the subject, saying you know it isn’t true/standing up for the target, moving over to stand next to the target, or inviting them to leave with you. Private support includes telling the target afterward that you saw what happened and it isn’t right, saying you’re sorry it happened, sending a note or calling them after to talk about what happened.
What can we do and how can we educate and empower our kids?
We have to start with proactive education and communication so that our kiddos know what relational aggression looks like and they aren’t second guessing themselves. It is important that children understand how other people’s behavior affects them and how they can make positive social choices.
- We can, at any point, teach our kids friendship and social skills. Many, many studies prove that even children with the lowest skills in social competence can be helped, which will enhance their social confidence and expand their relationships. We want to model and show our kids the skills and have them practice (do it with them, use characters in a show or book, look for it in real life, etc.) This can include social skills like maintaining eye contact, resolving conflict, engaging in conversation, staying calm, sharing, using manners, identifying and expressing emotion, standing up for yourself, or compromising.
- Have consistent conversations about what a true friend is and those qualities that make a healthy relationship.
- Intervene when you notice patterns and any persistent change in the aggressor or target’s baseline. Since some normal problem solving is expected and necessary in this developmental stage, we don’t want to intervene right away.
Other ideas for your adolescents include making sure they are involved in activities outside of school so they’re exposed to different types of people, encourage them to build relationships with adults/kids who appreciate them for who they are, be available to listen and not minimize an incident, teach and model kindness, talk about all sides of an issue (can be helpful in determining if your kiddo is the victim or the aggressor or stuck in the middle), become computer savvy and set guidelines and monitor online activities, and seek counseling if needed.
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